Part 3
River laid on his bed staring up at the ceiling. He had a few more weeks of school left and his counselor kept getting mad at him. He was supposed to have his schedule for the next year finished a few months ago, but he hadn’t even started. He had no idea what classes he wanted to take and hadn’t even started thinking about what colleges he might want to attend in the years following. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to go to college or not.
It was just another thing that all of his brothers had done before him. Go to college, do well, get a job, have a good life... He didn't know what he wanted to do.
“Baby brother!” Loire yelled as he slammed River’s bedroom door open and jumped on top of him.
“Oof!” River exclaimed and pushed his brother off of him, “Hey there, Mr. Sports Star.”
“Hey there, Mr. Normal Brother.”
River jokingly punched him in the shoulder, “how are things?’
Loire shrugged, “Fine. Got a four-oh this semester. The team won.... everything we competed in. Our team’s the first one to go completely undefeated in our division in 27 years. Pretty cool, huh?”
River just nodded. He knew his grades wouldn’t be anywhere close to a 4-0 this year. His dad had put him in too many advanced classes and he hadn’t been able to keep up.
He knew he would just be a disappointment again.
“Are you the only one home?” River asked as Loire got up off of the bed.
“Parth and Naph should be home in a few hours. Jai’s not coming home till late tomorrow. Harley and Angie are going to come stay for a few weeks on right after you get out of school and I think they’re bringing Falkirk with them.”
Nodding, River rolled over onto his stomach. Each year, everyone came home for a little while. The house was crowded and his parents were so enthused with their older children’s activities that River just got lost in the shuffle... as usual.
“You ok, Riv?” Loire asked, sitting down next to him.
“Fine.”
“Dad says you haven't figured out your schedule for next year yet.”
River nodded in acknowledgement, but gave no verbal reply.
“Why not?” asked Loire.
“I don’t know what I want to do,” River answered quietly, “Don’t know what classes I want to take, don’t know what schools I want to apply to, don’t know what scholarships I’ll need.... I don’t know anything.”
“You know plenty of crap,” Loire said, laughing, “You just don’t have any direction. What classes are you taking that you like?”
“None.”
Again, Loire laughed, “Come on, there has to be at least one.”
River shook his head, “I just go to them and try not to fail. Don’t really enjoy going to any of them. I don’t really enjoy going to school at all.”
“....Rivie, are you depressed?”
“I don’t know.”
Loire frowned, “Maybe you should call some of your friends and go hang out with them tonight, River. That’ll cheer you up a bit, right?”
Silently, River stared up at him, “I think I am depressed.”
“Why?”
“Loire, I don’t have any friends.”
“Now you’re being stupid,” sighed Loire, “Everyone has friends. What about that girl you took to the dance a few months ago? Mom e-mailed all of us pictures, you know.”
River frowned, “She only did it because she liked Parth. All she did was talk about him the entire time. I haven’t even spoken to her since.”
“Ick. That’s a low blow, man. Don’t you have friends you talk to in class or eat lunch with?”
“I don’t talk in class because I’m always studying or taking notes and I always skip lunch to do my homework in the library.”
Loire had a very concerned look on his face, “When was the last time you went out on a half-day and just hung out with people? Ate lunch or saw a movie or something?”
“I’ve never done that, Loire. I’m too busy with my school work. If I slack off for one day I fall way behind.”
“Does Dad know he’s pushing you too hard?”
River shook his head, “I’ve tried to tell him and he doesn’t listen. He just tells me to try harder. I’m trying as hard as I can. I’m jut not smart enough. I’m Mr. Normal Brother, remember? I’m the dumb, untalented one. That’s my special trait. Why can’t he just let me take normal classes?”
“What makes you think you’re dumb and not talented?” asked Loire, “Just because you’re not a freaking genius or the greatest whatever in the whole world doesn’t mean you’re dumb and untalented. It just means you’re you.”
“An idiot who can’t do well in school and doesn’t have any friends and isn’t good at anything except singing along to the Rocky Horror Picture Show?’
“Sheesh, Riv, when did you get so jaded?”
River shrugged as well as he could while lying on his stomach.
“Take a nap,” said Loire, “I’m going to go help Mom with dinner. I’ll come get you when it’s ready, ok?” After River nodded, Loire left the room, shutting the door behind him.
‘When did I get so jaded?’ he wondered. He closed his eyes and remembered years and years of teachers asking him why he wasn’t as smart or as talented or as well-behaved as some brother or another. He had friends back then and would they ask him why he couldn’t play ball like Loire or draw pictures like Falkirk or help them with their homework like Jaipur.... He was always just short of being good enough. It was ok, but not as good as what Harley would do. It was alright, but not as eloquent as Parth’s would’ve been. It was enough, but Loire would’ve done more than that.
Why couldn’t he ever just be good enough? It’s ok. That’s fine. It’s alright. That’s fine. It’s enough. Thank you. They always expected more just because of his stupid last name. Why did he always have to give more? Why couldn’t he just give what he had and let that be enough? Because it wasn’t enough. Because he wasn’t enough.
These thoughts and others like it ran through his head. He heard his brothers coming home. He didn’t move. He heard them calling him down for dinner. He didn’t move. He just lay there, wondering why he was never good enough.
“River?” he heard Naphtali say as he opened the door, “Dinner is ready.”
River gave no response.
“River?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Mom wants all of us down there so we can eat together as a family. She’ll be really upset if you aren’t down there.”
River rolled his eyes, “She probably won’t even notice till you’re all done eating. Leave me alone.”
Naph walked over to the bed and lay down next to him, staring his youngest brother in the face, “Loire says he thinks that you’re depressed or something. He says you say that you don’t have any friends and that Dad is pushing you too hard in school.”
River frowned. He had told Loire that stuff in confidence...
“I say you’re not depressed, you’re being a baby. You just want more attention because you know we’re all coming home and you know that you won’t get as much attention. You’re being lazy in school and we all know it and you can do better, you just don’t want to do the work. Everyone else downstairs agrees with me, too, even Mom and Dad, so get up off your ass and come downstairs so we can eat together as a family.” He smacked River with a pillow as he stood up and left the room.
River covered his face with his hands, fighting back his tears, and got up off of his bed. He hated that they all thought of him like that. They all thought of him as a stupid whiny brat, but he wasn’t. He was just... lonely.
It made him miss Tahk. Tahk had looked up to him the way no one else ever had and River loved the feeling he would get when Tahk would look at him with pure adoration in his eyes. He didn’t get that feeling anymore. He wanted it back so badly...
He roughly wiped the tears from his face and ran his fingers through his hair. Then he walked downstairs and joined his family at the dinner table.
“There you are, River,” said his mom, “We just finished the prayer.”
River nodded and sat next to Parth. He was a little ticked off at his other two brothers at the moment.
“Your counselor called again today,” his dad said, sounding very displeased, “He said you still haven’t turned in your schedule for next year. So I thought we could all help you.” He had the paper work sitting next to his plate. River tried to keep from groaning out loud. He hated it when his father brought up semi-personal matters at the dinner table.
“How Does Advanced Chemistry, Advanced World Literature, College-Level Advanced Government-Law, Discrete Math, Advanced English Composition, Western Art History, and being Coach Ricketts assistant sound?”
River’s face turned a little green. He knew he wouldn’t make it through all of those classes.
“Dad, don’t you think that’s a bit much?” asked Loire.
“My schedule was harder than that my senior year,” said Naph, “I think you should put him in a few more college-level classes, Dad. Get him ready for college. Have you decided which university you want to go to, River?”
River shook his head.
“You should start looking now and try to apply for scholarships soon. In fact, you should try to have your applications for your school and your scholarships ready by the end of the summer. Get a good jump on things.”
“That’s what we all did, after all,” said Parth.
Staring down at his empty plate, River mumbled, “I’m not you.” His voice was barely audible.
“You should try and be more like your brothers, River,” said his mother, “They’re very good role-models after all. I was talking to some of the neighborhood ladies today and they’re all so impressed with my boys. It was very flattering, but River, I didn’t have a lot to say about you. You should work harder. You don’t try enough in school. I keep getting calls from your teachers about your grades slipping. It’s very upsetting.”
“Sorry.” River couldn’t seem to talk. His voice was so hoarse and quiet.
“I told you, Mom, his classes are too hard,” said Loire. Oh, that would not help.
“He’s just lazy,” said his father, “The rest of you are academically gifted and so is River, he just doesn’t have the same work ethic.”
“I work hard.” No one heard him.
“He needs to study more,” Naph put in, “I’ll bet he hardly ever studies. I studied for two hours everyday.”
“I only study every day.”
“And there’s extra credit,” Parth added in, “I was always doing extra credit papers and helping out my teachers and asking them for comments on how to improve. Why don’t you do that, River?”
“I do.”
“And those mid-terms. They’re always so horrible for you, River. I’m ashamed to have you bring them home. It’s absolutely embarrassing, you know.”
“Shut up!” River yelled. They were all quiet, shocked by his sudden outburst. “I study for hours and hours everyday, but you never pay any attention to me so you’d never notice! I don’t go out! I don’t play video games or watch TV! I’m never on the computer unless I’m writing a paper or researching something! I try and I try and I try, but it doesn’t matter! I’m not smart! I can’t keep up, ok? I’m not good enough!”
His mother was the first to speak, “River, stop making things up trying to make us pity you. Go to your room and think about why we’re saying this to you. You know what, don’t. Go up there and study. Your father will be up there to talk to you shortly.”
River bolted out of his chair, knocking it over and denting the wall as he ran up to his room. He hated them. He hated them and the way...
He wanted to go away. He just wanted to disappear forever....